What She Isn't
by Libek
Summary: Hitsugaya has never been terribly good at articulating his feelings for Hinamori.


Hinamori was not his. They'd grown up together, but she was not his big sister, she was not his mother. She was annoying, and clumsy, and stupid. So stupid that he still couldn't believe she'd even made it into that ridiculous Shinigami academy she was always going on about.

(she wasn't supposed to be that smart, he hadn't expected it, he'd cried for weeks)

He didn't care what happened to her, not in the slightest. She could go off and forget all about him, or even die. Toushirou didn't care.

Which is why when she came home soaking wet one day, her usually-pristine uniform torn around the collar and the knees, dried blood visible and curling up one of her thighs, his first thought was, _I'll kill them._

"What the hell happened to you?" he asked around a mouthful of undercooked chicken.

(he wasn't eating right, he knew he wasn't, but he was too proud to ask her how to cook; everyone knew he was better than her at everything)

It was hard to focus on her face or hear her reply with the blood pounding in his ears, but of course Hinamori was beaming at him when she said, "Oh, this, aha. We were training, they brought out a few Hollows for live combat practice--"

He almost spat at her, almost flew to his feet. What, he wanted to say. After you almost died, all those Hollows appearing from nowhere, are they crazy. "They let someone like you fight a real Hollow again? I would've thought they'd learn their lesson after last time. Didn't you almost get some of your fellow officers killed or something?"

"It's a necessary part of training," she whispered defensively, and for a moment Toushirou wanted to kick her.

She was so weak, now she was even letting the things he said get to her. What did she think she was doing, trying to be a Shinigami?

"Anyway, it... it went better this time. No one..." Hinamori stumbled a little, over where the word 'died' would have been. "Abarai-kun just got a little careless with his casting, and the ground exploded, and some of the metal from the site cut my knees..." She flushed. "The instructor wasn't happy with any of us. We weren't that injured, so he wanted us to heal ourselves as a sort of punishment."

Toushirou snarled into his chicken, which was seeming less and less edible every second. "So, one of you three morons makes something explode with kidou, and the solution is to let you heal yourselves with it?"

She giggled, which startled him. "I thought it made sense. But Captain Aizen didn't like it either..." The way Hinamori whispered his name, cheeks going a really unattractive shade of pale pink, you would have thought the mysterious Captain Aizen had saved her life himself.

There was a funny lurch in his stomach, and Toushirou stopped eating. The chicken must have been really, really bad if it was making him sick. "What could he do about it?" he asked, sullen.

Hinamori didn't seem to notice his tone. "Captain Aizen healed Kira-kun and me himself, when the instructor wasn't looking. Abarai-kun was too stubborn, he said he couldn't let Captain Aizen heal him when it was his fault we'd been hurt..." Her smile softened until it was absolutely sickening. "Captain Aizen understood that. He was so -- gentle, with Abarai-kun. So careful of his feelings." She was pressing the tips of her fingers together, again and again, like she was so lost in the memory she didn't even notice the mindless rhythmic motion.

He tossed the remains of his chicken away, carelessly of course (because he didn't care, not one bit), but the sound it made as it struck the trunk of a nearby tree was so sharp that Hinamori startled, turning to look at him curiously.

"Shiro-chan...?"

"What is he to you, anyway?" Toushirou knew he sounded grumpy, and raked a hand through his hair. He couldn't quite bring himself to look at her. What if she still had that idiotic smile on her stupid face?

"Captain Aizen?" Even there, when she was worried about him, she spoke the name with such reverence. "I... he, he's nothing to me, he couldn't be..."

But he could hear the rest of her sentence, that silent _he's much too good for me, how could I ever hope to be noticed by a man like that_, and god that was irritating. Toushirou stood abruptly, but didn't move. He couldn't really see. The red haze was still there, worse than ever, and now things were starting to blur, too.

His eyes were wet.

Behind him, he could hear -- even sense -- Hinamori standing. She reached out to him, and her fingers were inches from his shoulder when he flinched away.

It came out in a snarl. "_Don't touch me!_ You'll get your stupidity all over me!"

"Shiro-chan, what's the matter--"

He shook his head, hard and fierce and refusing to rub at his eyes. It wouldn't help to rub at them, he was just going temporarily blind, there was nothing there to wipe away. "You're making a fool of yourself," Toushirou told her as flatly and as evenly as he could. "How am I supposed to go there now? Everyone will know I associated with you, and they'll assume I must be a fool, too."

"Go where?" Hinamori did not reach for him again, but he could see her so clearly in his mind's eye that he might as well have turned to face her. That stupid, stupid look on her face, so shocked and hurt and confused. "Go to... the academy? But Shiro-chan, you said--"

Toushirou cut her off. He knew what he'd said. After all the times she had tried so cheerfully to get him to go with her, all the nagging she had done and the way she'd emphasized what a great time all the squads had together, why was she being so incredulous now that he wanted to go? "When I get there, don't tell anyone you know me. 'Hitsugaya-san' from now on. At least," he amended, "until I become a captain."

"A captain... Shiro-chan, you can't just... I mean, only a few people can become--"

"Shut up." He moved around the blurred shape of her, never looking at her directly, and went inside, slamming the door shut in her face when she tried to follow.

As if she didn't know he had the talent, could have become anything he'd wanted to. As if she didn't know he had twice her reiatsu already without even trying to train with it. As if she thought there was anything, anything at all, that her precious Captain Aizen could do that he couldn't.

Such presumption. How dare she.

Didn't she dream of being a seated officer one day? Captains weren't much better than them. And if someone as useless as Hinamori could become a seated officer, they couldn't have very high standards, could they? It was obvious.

He made it all the way to his room before he broke down, tore the sheets off the bed and ripped holes in them he would never be able to explain later.

(her captain had healed her, but he hadn't kept her safe, had he; didn't he know that with someone like that you had to keep a close watch on them all the time)

When he was accepted into the academy a month later, Hinamori actually seemed happy for him like he had managed some incredible feat, and he told her coldly that she was insulting him by acting so surprised. Hadn't he said he would do it?

"But Shiro-chan," she protested.

"Hitsugaya-san," he reminded her. "I don't want anyone to think you know me, remember? Just stay out of my way."

And for the most part, she did.

The classes at the academy were very slightly harder than he had expected. A few of the tests even strained his abilities. But with every passing day, Toushirou felt his certainty growing. He would become a captain. He would do it very quickly, faster than anyone else ever had, so that it looked completely effortless. Hinamori would see that her Captain Aizen wasn't anyone special, that even little Shiro could manage it.

He told himself he just wanted to see her disillusioned, so that she would stop saying that name with such awe. But sometimes -- very briefly, and very late at night -- he would catch himself wondering what it would sound like if she ever said _Captain Hitsugaya_ with even a trace of that flushed, idiotic, totally senseless adoration.

No, Hinamori was not his. And he hated the way that she never quite seemed to notice. Every time he saw her, he had to correct her, remind her once again that he was not _Shiro-chan_ -- that he had never been her Shiro-chan. He had to snatch her wrists to stop her from ruffling his hair. Because Hinamori seemed to think she _was_ his big sister, or his mother, or some combination of the two. Because he didn't want her to be any of those things, and was so angry that not even threats seemed to keep her from forgetting.

Annoying. Clumsy. So very, very stupid.

She was not his. She had never been his. Maybe she would never _be_ his.

(but he wanted her to)


End file.
